Another Day in Paradise

I see I've let too much time go by since my last post. I wouldn't want to startle anyone by being too consistent though. ;P  So the latest is that I feel acutely depressed by my whole situation. I don't want to be a downer for anyone and I'm not normally a depressed person, although I do have a UV lamp on my desk because I get "SAD" in the winter.

I think having a chronic illness can really weigh you down and normally I wouldn't share my feelings with literally everyone in the world, but I keep thinking that if I can just help one person who feels the same, then maybe I'm making a positive difference.

The other day my husband called home and told me he'd noticed a humming off and on in his lower abdomen. That was one of my first symptoms. Naturally I was worried and depressed about it the rest of the day because if my hubby has Lyme, we're up a creak without a paddle. We're in financial straights as it is. If he couldn't work . . . There's still a lot of debate on whether or not Lyme is sexually transmitted, so the jury's still out on that, but we'll see what happens. No sense counting chickens and all that.

So I called my doctor this morning to ask about getting an antidepressant, but of course I only get to talk with his nurses who I've learned do not always give me the same answers he does. Anyway, she said he won't prescribe an antidepressant unless I make an appointment and come in to be seen. I've already seen him twice in the last few weeks and I can't afford another appt. right before Christmas since I don't have insurance.

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Crying frequently with frustration on so many levels. Some days my life seems so hopeless (as far as ever feeling good again).

I'm trying so hard to be a good mom, to be cheerful, (which I'm failing miserably at) and to have a positive outlook, but I'm afraid it's not working very well. A friend recommended St. John's Wort so I think I'll try that. I'll let you know if it works. I take so many pills now that I'm sick of them. Protandim, multivitamin, B complex, Cortisol manager, pills to sleep, Potassium to aid digestion because mine sucks, and sometimes extra Ashwagandha. What I need is a modern day miracle. And angel to come down and pronounce me healed. That is what I'd really like.

Thank you all so much, those of you who've left comments on my other posts. They mean the world to me.