Thursday, November 18, 2010

Buried alive?

I'm a firm believer that our emotional state directly affects our physical state. This theory became fact for me after I read Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, a few years ago. The basic premise is that you can't bury or avoid emotions and expect them to disappear. They have to come out somehow and they will.

The hard thing here is that we're all human and whether we're aware of it or not, we all bury feelings to a degree. I have been sick now for three weeks. It's started out as a sinus/ear infection, morphed into the stomach flu, then turned into a bad head cold. They all overlapped one another by a couple of days.

It didn't take me long to realize why I was sick. I've let myself get depressed about my book deal gone south. Who wouldn't? The problem I'm having is, how do you get those awful feelings out? Exercise? Did that and it didn't work. Talk about it? Did that too. Still got sick. Slathering the name of my editor all over the internet and venting all my anger, frustration, fury, and sadness for everyone to read? Not going to do that. It's not my style. My style is to get sick, I guess.

I don't believe that making someone else feel miserable will make me feel better. So what do you do? Honestly, I don't know. I guess you get sick and weather it out. It takes two to tango and I'm sure my editor would have some lovely things to say about me (although I don't know how she could. I was awesome) if given the opportunity. The point here is that I need to discover a different way to swim through this current of pollution and not let it get to me. Maybe I just need another forty years to figure it out.

But don't worry. I'll be fine. I'll live through this, keep writing, find other publishers (hopefully) and be proud of the life I've led. That's all that really matters in the end anyway. There are people living in the world right now who have it way worse than me in so many ways. My life is blissful and wonderful compared to so many others. Not that what I'm going through doesn't matter, but in the long run, does it?


LTM said...

this is a tough business and it's easy for it to get you down. Try to rest, step back, do continue to exercise--even if it's just taking a long walk. Put things in perspective, and keep going! ((hugs)) :o)

Anonymous said...

"Be proud of the life I've led. That's all that really matters in the end anyway." This is IT, Melissa!! Raise a good family. Help others. Forgive ourselves and others. I don't know what else there is. Writing a book/getting a book published might be fun/exciting, but in the end, this isn't going to matter at all!!

Get better. Take a break from writing. Read. Enjoy your family. If you want to keep writing, you will. Hey, I'm not getting a book published until I'm almost 71!! Like you, I'd be disappointed if for some reason they canceled my contract, but I've survived worse disappointments in my life, which is what my about to be published memoir is about. "Life is difficult" is the first sentence of The Road Less Traveled. Very true! But I don't want to get sick, so I keep trying to relax so I can sleep. It USUALLY works!

Hang in there.

Krista said...

Melissa, I've been absent from the blogosphere for a couple of weeks and I'm just catching up! So much has happened for you and I'm sorry I wasn't there along the way, lending my support.
You have to do what feels right in your gut, and sometimes that's the most painful at first. Do what you love, do it with gratitude and hope. If I could, I'd give you a big hug and a cinnamon roll. And a contract. And some cocoa.
Hang in there. Things work out. Waiting is horrid.

I kind of give spazzy support.

Chris Phillips said...

I am coming off of bronchitis. I know how you feel. I think the best thing is to keep on pressing and writing, but I have a hard time with that.

Old Kitty said...

Awwwww I do hope you find emotional and spiritual closure with what happened to your book deal! I think you are grieving. I think you are allowing yourself to feel sad for this loss. It's healthy I think - but maybe not for your physical well-being because you are most vulnerable when unhappy!!

Please please please take care. I know that this feeling will pass and that you will get better! Spoil yourself!! Do things that make you happy!!

Take care

giddymomof6 said...

Oh man, I'm so sorry this has happened to you! the publishing world is so unpredictable. Hang in there, and I hope you feel better soon...

Though, the quickest way for me to move on is to bake something and give it to someone else. Service always snaps me back into reality and what's really important. :)


Kittie Howard said...

Coming out of one of life's rough patches (seems like this is going around) so am getting caught up...really, really sorry about your book going south...yes, it does put your heart and soul into something that others wanted only to dump you. Yep, it matters...why? Because what doesn't kill you makes you've coped before, will cope again. How about looking at an e-book? Let the people out there who want to love you, love you! (Sometimes, I've learned, you've gotta get a little mad, blow off a little steam, then come at it from a different direction. Think: Scarlett O'Hara!) Good luck!

alexia said...

Sometimes when I'm upset, I get even more upset worrying about the fact that I'm upset... sometimes I just have to own that I'm going to be pissed off or sad or whatever for a while. Once I just let my emotions be okay, I feel better, like some sort of pressure is relieved. Maybe write a letter to the publisher and say everything you want to say to them, but don't mail it. Maybe then burn it or something cathartic like that. And just know that eventually you'll be in high spirits again!

The Red Angel said...

I'm sorry Melissa! I hope you feel better soon, I know this really stinks and it's hard to get by... but I know you're strong during tough times and that you WILL get through this! :)


Fran said...

Life sucks, as my daughter would say (but I'm not allowed to, but it's just me 'trying to sound cool' apparently). Each setback is a kick in the teeth, that's for sure. Keep going, keep going.

Len said...

I hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry to hear you are sick. I think I do the same when I get brokenhearted over something. I'm sure there is something better coming your way. Please get well soon! :)

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