I had energy today. That in itself was a huge surprise, so on the way home from dropping the kids off at carpool I had to decide what to do with this rare gift.
I could take some time on the treadmill, but that is always super boring. I could do some yoga, but I have a hard time warming my muscle up without walking on the treadmill first. When I got home I saw my porch and walkway covered in snow and ice. We had freezing rain yesterday which is also rare, but gave the snow already on the ground a nice patina on top. Very beautiful and very crunchy.
I'd found my desired exercise. After getting a flat edge, metal shovel from the garage, I went to work . . . in my bathrobe, pajamas, winter coat, and Sorel boots. Yeah, I was a pretty picture.
It took an amazing amount of energy because there was a layer of ice beneath the snow. Chop, chop, chop went my shovel until my arms were shaky. I could only do the area right in front of my door and the three steps down to the walkway.
Normally after I work out I feel great, with renewed energy to spare. But because of my lengthy illness I felt like I would pass out instead, and this is the usual response anymore. So I came in and laid down for a bit.
It would be easy to feel sorry for myself, but I've just started reading a book about a woman my age who has no memory of the past twenty years. Because of an accident, she starts the her life over and over every morning with no memories to build on. It makes me realize there are others out there with problems worse than mine.
I'm waiting to hear back from Igenex. The lab that is doing my blood work I dread the results whether they are positive or negative. Even if I really do have Lyme Disease, there's still a 15-20% chance the results can come back negative. Where would that leave me? I just don't want to go on living like this. I'm also starting to think I have been battling what ever I have for a long time. I haven't felt good for years, although there have always been times of reprieve where it felt nothing was wrong at all.
Yesterday I broke down and went to the DI (like the Salvation Army) to buy fat girl pants. Well, not really fat girl, but bigger than I normally wear. Because I can hardly exercise and the fact that I have to lie down so much, I've gained weight. About 15 lbs in all. So, my normal, everyday jeans are very tight and uncomfortable to wear for long periods. I've become the housewife who wears yoga pants every day. That in itself is a self esteem killer.
Today I am wearing army-fatigue cargo pants. I bought them for the sole purpose that they make me feel bad-ass, which is a good thing. I need to feel strong and tough, that I can kick this thing. I only had to upgrade one size, and it feels good to wear clothes that fit, and after I'm better, I'll work on getting those extra pounds back off. Until then, I will accept and adore the body I have. I refuse to become obsessive about my figure or weight.
At least I can remember who I am every day, and that, folks, is huge.